MsBeeJay's Blog Corner

[msbeejay]

http://www.nvo.com/bjmenterprises/pages/images/trans_pix.gif
http://www.nvo.com/bjmenterprises/pages/images/trans_pix.gif


Do you know which word is the most misspelled on the Net? R E C I E V E! The correct spelling is R E C E I V E.When I went to school, we were taught this simple rule about "I" before "E" except after "C" "neighbor" or "eight."Perhaps schools or teachers today don't think it's necessary to teach simple spelling rules anymore because of computer technology...hmmm, too bad.Anyway we all know that most programs used by everybody with a computer has spell check capabilities AND of course, there's always the trusty dictionary!That concludes "A Lesson in Spelling!" ~~~~~~

QUOTE:

"In ancient shadows and twilights where childhood had strayed, the world's great sorrows were born and its heroes were made." -- George William Russell

[dehawkinz]

LOL

the problem with english and rules, is that for every rule, there is an exception that disproves the rule :)

you missed out my favourite "i before e..." disprover

SCIENCE

Basically, rules are good in principle, but they will always be contradicted, so be patient with people who mis-spell :)

And I am not going to touch on the contradictions between ' real ' English and ' american ' English :D

DeHawkinz

[wednesdayite]

Aye Up from Kevin in Sheffield .... Yorkshire's Finest

I call English my mother tongue as my father rarely had chance to use it

Is there another word for synonym?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Having said all that, I'm not a fan of spelling mistakes on websites. Just try a little harder.

Regards ..... Kevin - Wednesdayite

[revjoybunny]

on website spelling mistakes should always be sorted out after all we have spell chickers lol

Seriously I dont like to see spelling mistakes either

[dehawkinz]

but some spell checkers can't spell :)

eye can rite reel good - this passes my spell checker, but most English speakers would know this is spelt wrong.

Indeed here is an irony for you - the forum spell checker thinks spelt is wrong, but a online spelling checker thinks it is right :)

DeHawkinz

[lajab5]

I have to stop and look at the word to make sure I spell right. If in doubt I ask my daughter.....LOL......my problem is dyslexia......I don't turn letter around I just mix them up when spelling........(frist.....first.....example)..... I use the backspace A LOT........LOL

[nsant46]

Hi msbeejay,

I am now thanking you, but I am sure to let you all well understand what I want mean each time either I am posting a new thread or I am answering to someone in this forum.

I think that just because I am italian I can't know your dialects or colloquialisms (execpt "asap, btw, lol"), but just because I am italian I have to write a scolastic, official enghlish, so everyone can understand my words.

I noticed that we foreigners write the grammatical exact way and you sometimes don't (your=you're, you=your, yep=yes, nope=not, wanna=want, gotta=got, "working?"= are you working?", and, first of all, the "do" and/or "any" use in affermative expressions!?!). Maybe this way we foreigners are learning your dialects too.:)

I am talking about the 35-40 sites in english I am actually involved in, not only TEs, either from USA, UK, Canada, Australia, etc. Only two admin of two sites from northern Europe almost always write correctly.

Also, I think all we foreigners can read our english dictionary, if we need it.

Have a great Sunday
Noemi

[nsant46]

Like I just told answering the last msb... post, read your english dictionary and all will be OK!
Have a great Sunday
Noemi

[inge]

Spelling ... An interesting phenomenon.

I have an internal spell checker that sometimes deceives me, and I don't discover errors until a message has been posted and re-read a couple of times. I not only use the backspace key a lot, but also the edit button! :)

I may be overconfident but I think my English spelling is adequate, and I try to write correctly. When reading there are diferent "levels": In a forum like this we could use some tolerance. After all, the meaning is more important than the spelling. Websites, newspapers, books etc. that are supposed to be serious should take care to correct spelling errors, or people would lose respect for the publisher. If it's a question of sign-up:
I wouldn't sign up to a website with a sloppy language.

If you have problems with spelling, don't worry too much when you write in a forum like this, but have your text checked by a person before you publish it on a website.

[nsant46]

Hi,

Check out please my answer to your last post about.

Thanks
Noemi

[nsant46]

Hi,

Check out please my answer to your last post about.

Thanks
Noemi

[msbeejay]

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for your responses...

No offense was meant by this particular article that I
am sharing with the StartXchange Forum Community...

I know people get in a big hurry when posting their replies or writing "New Threads" ...

However, Spelling is important on Websites, in Newsletter, eZines, eBooks and whatever other media is used for Marketing or Advertising one's Products and/or Services.

If a word does not look right to me, I look it up in the dictionary...

As you all mentioned spell checker cannot always determine the correct spelling of all words used on the Internet particularly when it comes to names and homonyms (a word with the same pronunciation as another, but with a different origin and spelling)

Afterall, nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes...that's what makes us human LOL

God Bless and Keep on surfing...

[nsant46]

Hi msbeejay,

Have you read my answer to your precisation about dictionary?
I am interesting what you think about.
Noemi

[msbeejay]

Hi msbeejay,

Have you read my answer to your precisation about dictionary?
I am interesting what you think about.
Noemi

Not sure how to respond to your comment...

It is a good idea to have an up-to-date dictionary
since newer editions will include the most recent
words and definitions that have been added...

Other than that, don't know what else to say!?

God Bless and Keep on surfing...

[haccel]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

LOL

You know what they say, rules are meant to be broken.

Interesting though. See what Wiki has to say on this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_before_E_except_after_C

Happy surfing :)

[nsant46]

Hey haccel,

Even I understood what you wrote. What would you mean?
It seems to me an unusefoul exercise that none are now needing.:)
We are talking (=msbeejay is talking) about we foreigners that can't understand and write english.
Thanks for your time
Noemi

[nsant46]

Hi msbeejay,

I yesterday post to you this:
"I am now thanking you, but I am sure to let you all well understand what I want mean each time either I am posting a new thread or I am answering to someone in this forum.

I think that just because I am italian I can't know your dialects or colloquialisms (execpt "asap, btw, lol"), but just because I am italian I have to write a scolastic, official enghlish, so everyone can understand my words.

I noticed that we foreigners write the grammatical exact way and you sometimes don't (your=you're, you=your, yep=yes, nope=not, wanna=want, gotta=got, "working?"= are you working?", and, first of all, the "do" and/or "any" use in affermative expressions!?!). Maybe this way we foreigners are learning your dialects too.

I am talking about the 35-40 sites in english I am actually involved in, not only TEs, either from USA, UK, Canada, Australia, etc. Only two admin of two sites from northern Europe almost always write correctly.

Also, I think all we foreigners can read our english dictionary, if we need it.

Have a great Sunday
Noemi"

Did you read it? I think you didn't.
Take care
Noemi

[haccel]

Hi there Noemi,

Sorry, I was just being cheeky. My point was that the human mind can still read and understand even if the spelling is not correct.

I do however, agree with msbeejay that spelling is of paramount importance on Websites, newsletters, e-zines, e-books, books, newspapers, magazines etc...

It is most unprofessional IMHO if the spelling is that of a 2nd grade school student in those listed above.

General chat in forums as such is not important with spelling, if you don't or can't spell correctly, it will still be understood what you are trying to communicate.

Don't beat yourself up about not knowing the full extent of the English language. Most people who were brought up with it being their primary language still can't get it ;) It is renowned as the most difficult language to completely understand. Especially with all the variations (British English, American English etc...)

And you're is not the same as your.

You're = you are (i.e. you're a nice person)
Your = your house is tidy (not you are house is tidy)

:)

[nsant46]

Hi haccel,
Maybe you don't read carefully my words.
I WELL KNOW you're is not the same as your, like other expressions/word I wrote about.
I would mean that we foreigners try to write correctly and often we reach it, but you with your primary language english don't care of it.
What can I think? Did all english (english=primary language, not from UK) people stop their studyes at the end of their highschool and then were only manually working?
I think if someone well knows grammar, either he/she naturally writes correctly or uses his/her dialect. And I like it, I love my roman dialect (but I couldn't ever write it!).
I would only mean I can't understand why m..beejay is talking about us "foreigners" (good word, it seems to me we came back to the second world war!) like the people that can't well write and understand english, while you "english" always write all thinghs well.
I would you all "english" understand that it's more easy to us "not english" to write correctly, even if sometimes we do some mistake, because our english is classic, not dialectical, and it couldn't be other way.
If you learn italian, which italian can you write? Only and ever classic italian, and it's more easy for me to do one mistake than for you, it's simple!
However, I couldn't understand why does m...beejay is talking about this matter.
What you said is right: it's only important we all can understand what other members are writing.
Take care
Noemi

[inge]

Stop the criticism!

Ms BJ is right to point out the challenges of correct spelling and grammar, and as far as I can understand she has done this in a general manner, without criticising anyone in particular.

We are only people, and it might be natural to take some things personally, but in this case it was hardly meant that way.

My point is: Let's worry about our own spelling if we want to be taken seriously, and try to avoid pointing out spelling errors from others. A forum like this is supposed to be informal, and its purpose is not to teach English, but to build a community of people with similar interests, first of all traffic exchanges. Digressions must be allowed because they color the day, but do not let it become a war where everyone is protecting him/herself against the others.

Remember: The meaning and content is more important than the spelling -- but it will come through better if it's linguistically correct. Now there's a word I feel unsure of.
I open the door for corrections! :)

[nsant46]

Hi inge,
Many thanks.
Please tell msbeejay these words. She wrote that we "foreigners" (and you too are a "foreigner" to her) should chat in our own language: why? I couldn't understad it.
Take care
Noemi

[nsant46]

Does it seem to you msbeejay anythingh usefoul and/or interesting at this forum?
Here we want talk about TEs, of course!:)
Keep on surfing
Noemi

[inge]

Noemi,

I think that discussing things other than StartXchange or TEs in general, must be allowed in a forum like this. Ms BJ's articles or blogs are interesting, although in my opinion too long to read in full. But one of the nice things about a forum like this, as well as with a newspaper, you're not obligated to read all.

Please be aware that even though we understand every single word of a text, the understanding of the meaning or content or context is not necessarily clear. Misunderstandings can occur, and they can go both ways (from me to you and from you to me).

I don't remember seeing msbeejay's comment about us foreigners chatting on in our own language, but what I think she meant was: Do as well as you can. Nobody expects you to be perfect, and most people probably tolerate more misspellings or bad grammar from someone who originally speaks another language.

[msbeejay]

First: "Grammar 101" has been edited...

Second: It WAS NOT aimed at anybody in particular it was meant to show the
difference between words that sound alike BUT are NOT spelled the same way...

Third: I know that the only reason "Visitors" would not be speaking in English
is because it is much easier for them to communicate in their own language...

Fourth: Most of the "Grammar 101" is for the benefit of us Yankees...I really
did not intend to antagonize the WorldWideWeb or anybody living in Europe!

Fifth: Sorry for any inconvenience posed by the lenghth of these Blogs...
Perhaps you can print them out and read them at your leisure?

God Bless and Keep on surfing...

[nsant46]

Hi inge,
Thanks for your lesson. You are an european man, of course...You seem to me my italian husband 64 young!:)
If you have the necessary patience, you'll find where msbeejay wrote it.
However, I am now stopping my "war" against whom are telling me I am a "foreigner".
This is my last post about, even if msbeejay will tell again against her "foreigners".
Keep surfing, it will be the best.
Noemi

[pskovgaard]

"Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe."

I live next to Cambridge University, UK. Students speak elegant English, they may write the way to did... Thanks for trying, it's funny though

[biz2001]

"I" before "E" except after "C" "neighbor" or "eight. " ???

I have never heard of the" neighbor or eight" Is this now part of the rule? I never heard of that part when I went to school, but that was a very long time ago.

[msbeejay]

That's how I remember it from waaaaaaay back when...

Went to school from Sep '58 thru Jun '60 in Stockton CA
Don't know if they are still teaching that particular rule anymore...
My 50 year reunion will be sometime in 2010...

My other half's reunion is this year...They are planning on a 3 day celebration...
Of course they don't have a big class left anymore, so it will be a small turnout...

God Bless and Keep on surfing everyday!

[msbeejay]

These definitions are from "Second Concise Edition" Webster's New World Dictionary

CHIMPANZEE (35 - 60 inches high) an anthropoid[1] ape of Africa, with black hair and large ears; it is smaller than a gorilla[2] and is noted for its intelligence

MONKEY (various sizes and species) any of the smaller, long-tailed primates

INDIAN GIVER (colloquial) a person who gives somebody something, then turns around and takes it back


[1] ANTHROPOID... resembling man; manlike; especially designating or of any of the most highly develped apes, such as the chimpanzee and gorilla

[2] GORILLA (50 - 70 inches high) the largest and most powerful manlike ape, native to the jungles of equatorial Africa

[msbeejay]

My Ex sent this to me and I could not resist sharing it with the forum community...Enjoy (I did clean up the language)

This one has been around for awhile, but it is still funny


'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.'


Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing Kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 - (Frank) Holy cow, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint form your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting crocked from all the beer.


Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb babe is starting to look HOT ...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I passed gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. F_ _k those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - I messed myself when I broke wind and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my behind with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like manure to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Forget it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he is going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?


Ol Gar

[msbeejay]

Another from my Ex...Enjoy!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'



Ol Gar

[msbeejay]

A DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, 'I'm not trying to make you look stupid,but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.'Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, 'Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa. 'Her response - click.'

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, 'Is it possible to see England from Canada?' I said, 'No. 'She said, 'But they look so close on the map.' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport,and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.' (Aghh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am.I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT,' and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!' After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is 'FAT' (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?'

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked,'How do I know which plane to get on? 'I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied,'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'

10. A lady Senator called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yeah, whatever, smarty!'

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations,'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes, what flights do you have?' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere. 'The lady retorted, 'Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map! 'So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,'You don't mean Buffalo, do you? 'The reply? 'Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'

Now you know why the Government has problems!

[msbeejay]

To all of you! Thanks!

Lonita

-----Original Message-----
From: Mike Cantrell [canlawok] - To: Lonita Finnell
Sent: Sunday, October 27, 2002 4:50 PM




A True Story

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself.

Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life." "No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel. "Is that your son?" the nobleman asked. "Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of."

And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, he graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill.
His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

Work like you don't need the money.

Love like you've never been hurt.

Dance like nobody's watching.

Sing like nobody's listening.

Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

It's National Friendship Week. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. Pass this on, and brighten someone's day. Nothing will happen if you do not decide to pass it along. The only thing that will happen, if you DO pass it on, is that someone might smile because of you.

Happy Friendship Week everyone!

NOTE: Even though this message is old, the sentiment is everlasting!

[msbeejay]

"Develop a Marketing Plan"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
By Terry Dean

How do you normally operate?

Do you put up an ad and then get excited when an order comes in?

If orders don't come in, do you just sit around pulling out your hair?

I know a lot of people who do that. This week they receive a lot of sales. Great. Next week they don't. The world must be ending!

You'll always experience some variation in your sales, because world events and people's vacations can hurt your business. You don't exist in a vacuum without outside influences.

While you can't change the world, you can change the roller coaster ride many businesses experience. The best way to do this is to write down a serious marketing plan.

Too often marketers just put up a product and hope the world comes to them.

They place one ad. They write one article. They send out one press release. They contact one possible affiliate. That's all they do.

If it doesn't work, they give up.

They don't have a daily, weekly, or monthly marketing schedule.

You need to be placing ads constantly. Write more articles. Keep trying until you "fail your way to success." Rewrite your ad.

Keep working...and don't give up just because it doesn't work the first time you try.

That's the difference between those who succeed and those who fail in an online business.

One person learns when they fail.

The other one simply quits.

You have to put yourself on a marketing schedule. Don't just try to think about it in your head either. Write it down and follow your daily marketing plans.

You may do something like the below as a part-time beginner. Please note that most people could actually market more than this.

This is a "starter" plan.

Week One - Create 100 keywords for web site and put on overture.com

Week Two - Write one ezine article, edit it, and submit it to databases and ezine publishers.

Week Three - Write up and run 2 solo ezine ads.

Week Four - Use the 100 PPC keywords to add to Google Adwords Select.

Week Five - Contact 25 potential JV partners and affiliates.

Week Six - Write 2nd ezine article, edit it, and submit it to databases and ezine publishers.

Week Seven - Prepare and send out press release. Field incoming calls from media.

That is just an example. The point is that you need to actually build a marketing plan for yourself. Then stick to it.

If you have more time, you can actually even schedule out a specific marketing activity for each day of the week.

No matter what business you're in, you're in the marketing business. As the business owner, that's your primary responsibility.

A lot of people don't like to hear this kind of statement, but it's true anyway.

Products are easy. There are thousands of high quality products out there not being sold effectively. It's the marketing which drives your business. That's your primary responsibility if you want to succeed online.

Don't get me wrong. You need a good high quality product. If you don't have one, then get one. But great products have died unknown without strong marketing campaigns backing them up.

So study Internet marketing. Set goals. Then write down exactly what you're going to do each day to reach those goals.

If you don't write it down, you'll forget it and life will get in the way. You have to plan it and then do it.

The person who studies and then applies everything they learn in an organized plan will beat the random marketer who jumps from opportunity to opportunity every time.

I know quite a few people who started online the same time as me. I learned, applied, and tested. They're still looking for the big opportunity to come along someday.

Who are you going to be like?

-------------------------------------
Terry Dean is the webmaster of Netbreakthroughs and a dozen other domains online...


NOTE: This particular article has some valuable insight that can be useful for anybody who is or might want to do business on the Internet...

[msbeejay]

Food for Thought by Dr. Kevin Nunley

Unusual Business Cards

Business cards are a great way to let potential customers know about your business, and how they can get in contact with you. But so many people advertise with business cards, you need to find some way to make yours look different.

Here are a few ways to help your business card stand out from the rest.

Instead of printing your business cards on standard paper, try something new. For example, if you are a plastic salesman, try printing your business card on plastic. That way, your customers have your contact information and your product right in the palm of their hand.

Try using different designs, graphics, and shapes on your business cards. If you work for a bank, you could make your business card look like a bill of money. When you "accidentally" drop it on the street, people will definitely want to pick it up.

Rather than a standard business card, make your own "card-flyers."

I like to print my message on one-sixteenth of a page of printing paper. It's about 4 inches long by 2.5 inches high. That gives you enough space to put a headline, a short list of benefits, and your contact information. Print the same message on both sides. Use better paper for a more impressive look.

Creating a unique card might cost a little more, but the results could be well worth it!

-----

"See Kevin's 10,000 free marketing ideas at DrNunley.com
______________________________________________


NOTE: For anybody doing business on the Net, you might want to give these ideas a try...

[msbeejay]

This one is from my Ex...I honestly don't know where he gets these!

Enjoy



Blind Cowboy

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a deep and husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke,
Cowboy, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bouncer is a member of Hell's Angels, and she's a blonde.

2. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter, and

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, mister.

Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.


Ol Gar

[msbeejay]

In a message dated 7/14/2008 8:08:11 AM Pacific Daylight Time, CLJ5775 writes:

This brought tears

Sent: Wednesday, July 9, 2008 10:44:09 PM
__________________________________________________ __________







F A M I L Y



I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
'Oh excuse me please' was my reply.


He said, 'Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you.'


We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.



But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.



Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.



When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
'Move out of the way,' I said with a frown.



He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.



While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,



'While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.



Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door!



Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.



He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes.'



By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.



I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
'Wake up, little one, wake up,' I said.



'Are these the flowers you picked for me?'
He smiled, 'I found 'em, out by the tree.'



I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue.'



I said, 'Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way.' He said, 'Oh, Mom, that's okay. I love you anyway.'



I said, 'Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue.'



FAMILY


Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that
we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days.


But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.



And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more
into work than into our own family, an unwise investment indeed, don't you think? So what is behind the story?



Do you know what the word FAMILY means?

FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU



Pass this message to 7 people...
You will receive a miracle tomorrow.


Don't ignore and God will bless you

[msbeejay]

and I wanted to share it with the forum community...Enjoy!


From: gwilsey
Date: Thu, 26 Jun 2008 10:38:25 -0700

Ain't it the truth!

Ol Gar



&Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

&Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

&Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

&Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

&Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will

&Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

&Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug!

&Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

&Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

&Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

&Good Food Law
The better something tastes, the greater the probability that it is bad for you.

[msbeejay]

And I could not resist passing it along to the forum community...Enjoy!




You Gotta Love the Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to
heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place
I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me
Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."



Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the
first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this.
You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you
were getting a group together to go right now."



Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the
traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of
traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic
to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"



Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to
read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his
best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"



An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of
the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the
bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"



Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me
a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was
over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."



Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself
by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily
on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he cou ld on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken
glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all
those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[msbeejay]

An Internet Friend of mine sent this to me and I
wanted to share it with everybody who lives in
the United States for your consideration....



Who is BarackObama ?

Probable U. S. presidential candidate, Barack Hussein Obama was
born in Honolulu, Hawaii, to Barack Hussein Obama, Sr., a black
MUSLIM from Nyangoma-Kogel, Kenya and Ann Dunham, a white
ATHIEST from Wichita, Kansas.

Obama's parents met at the University of Hawaii.

When Obama was two years old, his parents divorced. His father
returned to Kenya. His mother then married Lolo Soetoro, a RADICAL
Muslim from Indonesia. When Obama was 6 years old, the family
relocated to Indonesia.


Obama attended a MUSLIM school in Jakarta.
He also spent two years in a Catholic school.

Obama takes great care to conceal the fact that he is a Muslim.
He is quick to point out that, "He was "once a Muslim, but that he
also attended Catholic school."


Obama's political handlers are attempting to make it appear that his
introduction to Islam came via his father, and that this influence was
temporary, at best.

But, in reality, the senior Obama returned to Kenya soon after the divorce,
and never again had any direct influence over his son's education.

Lolo Soetoro, the second husband of Obama's mother, Ann Dunham,
introduced his stepson to Islam.


Obama was enrolled in a Wahabi school in Jakarta.

Wahabism is the RADICAL teaching that is followed by the Muslim
terrorists who are now waging Jihad against the western world.

Since it is politically expedient to be a CHRISTIAN when seeking major
public office in the United States, Barack Hussein Obama has joined
the United Church of Christ in an attempt to downplay his Muslim
background.


ALSO, keep in mind that when he was sworn into office he DID NOT use
the Holy Bible, but instead the Koran. Let us all remain alert concerning Obama's
expected presidential candidacy.


The Muslims have said they plan on destroying the US from "the inside out."
What better way to start than at the highest level - through the President of the
United States being one of their own!


Please forward this to everyone you know.

Do you want this man leading our country?......

Very interesting and something that should be considered in your choice.

If you do not ever forward anything else, please forward this to all your
contacts...this is very scarey to think of what lies ahead of us here in our
own United States...better heed this and pray about it and share it.

[msbeejay]

most of these have been around before. but are still cute.

Ol Gar


These 12 are actual comments made on
STUDENT'S REPORT CARDS by teachers
in the New York City public school system.
All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any stupider he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These 16 were taken off actual POLICE CAR VIDEOS around the country:
[these are some mighty 'quick witted' cops!]

16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 ft/second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
You're right, we don't.........Sign here.' [ouch!]
tommy-k

[msbeejay]

From: gwilsey
Date: Fri, 8 Aug 2008 11:23:01 -0700

I just bought a quart of honey and a large bottle of cinnamon,
Gonna give it a try.


From: gwilsey
Date: Thu, 7 Aug 2008 14:32:36 -0700

Don't know about this one? but what the Hey as we get older anything
is worth a try? Especially the part about high cholesterol.

Ol Gar

Not sure how true any of this is, since snopes.com couldn't verify it.
Their status was 'undetermined.' Still, what can it hurt to give any
of it a try................just remembered not to give honey to infants!

True, don't know.

Interesting? Yes. Just thought I would pass it on


Facts on honey and cinnamon:
It is found that a mixture of honey and cinnamon cures most diseases.
Honey is produced in most of the countries of the world.

Scientists of today also accept honey as a 'Ram Ban' (very effective)
medicine for all kinds of diseases. Honey can be used without any side
effects for any kind of disease.

Today's science says that even though honey is sweet, if taken in the
right dosage as a medicine, it does not harm diabetic patients. Weekly
World News, a magazine in Canada, in its issue dated 17 January, 1995
has given the following list of diseases that can be cured by honey and
cinnamon as researched by western scientists:


HEART DISEASE:
Make a paste of honey and cinnamon powder, apply on bread, instead of
jelly and jam, and eat it regularly for breakfast. It reduces the cholesterol
in the arteries and saves the patient from heart attack.

Also those who have already had an attack, if they do this process daily,
they are kept miles away from the next attack. Regular use of the above
process relieves loss of breath and strengthens the heart beat. In America
and Canada, various nursing homes have treated patients successfully and
have found that as you age, the arteries and veins lose their flexibility and
get clogged; honey and cinnamon revitalize the arteries and veins.


ARTHRITIS:
Arthritis patients may take daily, morning, and night, one cup of hot
water with two spoons of honey and one small teaspoon of cinnamon
powder.

If taken regularly even chronic arthritis can be cured. In a recent
research conducted at the Copenhagen University, it was found
that when the doctors treated their patients with a mixture of
one tablespoon Honey and half teaspoon Cinnamon powder before
breakfast, they found that within a week, out of the 200 people
so treated, practically 73 patients were totally relieved of pain,
and within a month, mostly all the patients who could not walk
or move around because of arthritis started walking without pain.


BLADDER INFECTIONS:
Take two tablespoons of cinnamon powder and one teaspoon of honey in a
glass of lukewarm water and drink it. It destroys the germs in the bladder.


TOOTHACHE:
Make a paste of one teaspoon of cinnamon powder and five teaspoons of
honey and apply on the aching tooth. This may be applied three times a
day until the tooth stops aching.


CHOLESTEROL:
Two tablespoons of honey and three teaspoons of Cinnamon Powder
mixed in 16 ounces of tea water, given to a cholesterol patient, was
found to reduce the level of cholesterol in the blood by 10 percent
within two hours.

As mentioned for arthritic patients, if taken three times a day, any
chronic cholesterol is cured. According to information received in
the said journal, pure honey taken with food daily relieves complaints
of cholesterol.


COLDS:
Those suffering from common or severe colds should take one tablespoon
lukewarm honey with 1/4 spoon cinnamon powder daily for three days.

This process will cure most chronic cough, cold, and clear the sinuses.


UPSET STOMACH:
Honey taken with cinnamon powder cures stomach ache and also clears
stomach ulcers from the root.


GAS:
According to the studies done in India and Japan , it is revealed that if
honey is taken with cinnamon powder the stomach is relieved of gas.


IMMUNE SYSTEM:
Daily use of honey and cinnamon powder strengthens the immune system
and protects the body from bacteria and viral attacks. Scientists have found
that honey has various vitamins and iron in large amounts. Constant use of
honey strengthens the white blood corpuscles to fight bacteria and viral
diseases.


INDIGESTION:
Cinnamon powder sprinkled on two tablespoons of honey taken
before food relieves acidity and digests the heaviest of meals.


INFLUENZA:
A scientist in Spain has proved that honey contains a natural Ingredient
which kills the influenza germs and saves the patient from flu.


LONGEVITY:
Tea made with honey and cinnamon powder, when taken regularly, arrests
the ravages of old age. Take four spoons of honey, one spoon of cinnamon
powder and three cups of water and boil to make like tea.

Drink 1/4 cup, three to four times a day. It keeps the skin fresh and soft
and arrests old age. Life spans also increases and even a 100 year old,
starts performing the chores of a 20-year-old.


WEIGHT LOSS:
Daily in the morning one half hour before breakfast on an empty stomach
and at night before sleeping, drink honey and cinnamon powder boiled in
one cup of water.

If taken regularly, it reduces the weight of even the most obese person.
Also, drinking this mixture regularly does not allow the fat to accumulate
in the body even though the person may eat a high calorie diet.


CANCER:
Recent research in Japan and Australia has revealed that advanced cancer
of the stomach and bones have been cured success ully. Patients suffering
from these kinds of cancer should daily take one tablespoon of honey with
one teaspoon of cinnamon powder for one month three times a day.


FATIGUE:
Recent studies have shown that the sugar content of honey is more helpful
rather than being detrimental to the strength of the body. Senior citizens,
who take honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts, are more alert and
flexible.

Dr. Milton, who has done research, says that a half tablespoon of honey
taken in a glass of water and sprinkled with cinnamon powder, taken daily
after brushing and in the afternoon at about 3:00 P.M. when the vitality
of the body starts to decrease, increases the vitality of the body within
a week.

=

[msbeejay]

From: gwilsey
Date: Fri, 1 Aug 2008 19:22:13 -0700

Ol Gar
================================================



TEXAS DEPUTY SHERIFF VS NEW YORK LAWYER




Only in Texas my friends...
Only in Texas ..... Too bad......

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because
he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he
has a better education then any cop from Houston, Texas.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy' s expense.

The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to
a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down,
and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, says
the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop,
that's the law License and registration, please!' the
Deputy says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license
and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not,
you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,'
the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and
starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and
says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'







=

[msbeejay]

From: gwilsey
Date: Thu, 31 Jul 2008 12:29:08 -0700

Ol Gar


Too funny!
================================================== =========





INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer
of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names
and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so
the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly,
'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque.
'Pastor, what is this?'

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and
women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'




=

[msbeejay]

This is SO true you NEVER truly know what someone else is going through...


DON'T JUDGE

Some people!' snorted a man standing some distance behind me in the long line at the grocery store.

'You would think the manager would pay attention and open another line, 'said a woman.

I looked to the front of the line to see what the hold up was and saw a well-dressed, young woman, trying to get the machine to accept her credit card.

No matter how many times she swiped it, the machine kept rejecting it.

'It's one of them welfare card things. Damn people need to get a job like everyone else,' said the man standing behind me.

The young woman turned around to see who had made the comment.

'It was me,' he said, pointing to himself.

The young lady's face began to change expression.

Almost in tears, she dropped the welfare card onto the counter and quickly walked out of the store.

Everyone in the checkout line watched as she began running to her car.

Never looking back, she got in and drove away.

Several minutes later a young man walked into the store.

He went up to the cashier and asked if she had seen the woman.

After describing her, the cashier told him that she had run out of the store, got into her car, and drove away.

'Why would she do that?' asked the man.

Everyone in the line looked around at the fellow who had made the statement.

'I made a stupid comment about the welfare card she was using. Something I shouldn't have said. I'm sorry,' said the man.

'Well, that's bad, real bad, in fact. Her brother was killed in Afghanistan two years ago. He had three young children and she has taken on that responsibility. She's twenty years old, single, and now has three children to support,' he said in a very firm voice.

'I'm really truly sorry. I didn't know,' he replied, shaking both his hands about.

The young man asked, 'Are these paid for?' pointing to the shopping cart full of groceries.

'It wouldn't take her card,' the clerk told him.

'Do you know where she lives?' asked the man who had made the comment.

'Yes, she goes to our church.

'Excuse me,' he said as he made his way to the front of the line. He pulled out his wallet, took out his credit card and told the cashier, 'Please use my card. PLEASE!'

The clerk took his credit card and began to ring up the young woman's groceries.

Hold on,' said the gentleman.

He walked back to his shopping cart and began loading his own groceries onto the belt to be included. 'Come on people. We got three kids to help raise!' he told everyone in line.

Everyone began to place their groceries onto the fast moving belt.

A few customers began bagging the food and placing it into separate carts.

'Go back and get two big turkeys,' yelled a heavyset woman, as she looked at the man. 'NO,' yelled the man.

Everyone stopped dead in their tracks.

The entire store became quiet for several seconds.

'Four turkeys,' yelled the man. Everyone began laughing and went back to work.

When all was said and done, the man paid a total of $1,646.57 for the groceries.

He then walked over to the side, pulled out his check book, and began writing a check using the bags of dog food piled near the front of the store for a writing surface.

He turned around and handed the check to the young man.

'She will need a freezer and a few other things as well,' he told the man.

The young man looked at the check and said, 'This is really very generous of you.

'No,' said the man. 'Her brother was the generous one.

Everyone in the store had been observing the odd commotion and began to clap.

And I drove home that day feeling very American.

We live in the Land of the free, because of the Brave!


A great example of why we should be kind and patient to all our NEIGHBORS!

Kindness is the language the blind can see and the deaf can hear.

Never judge someone...until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

May God's many blessings continue to be with you - ALWAYS!

MAY THIS KEEP GOING....IT MAY OPEN A LOT OF EYES, HOPEFULLY HEARTS, AND KEEP SOME MOUTHS SHUT

[inge]

DON'T JUDGE

Sweet story, BJ!

BTW, welcome back!

[msbeejay]

Thought the community would enjoy starting their week out with a laugh...



Lawyer jokes!


Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, ....Sosumi.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.

Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

Q: How do attorneys sleep?
A: First they lie on one side, then they lie on the other.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it.
.....And one to sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them...
would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salespeople look good.

Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
A: They're both extinct.

Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: A senator.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: 'Your Honor'.

Q; What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road
and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Last winter was so cold, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the
lawyer's rates. '$50.00 for three questions', replied the lawyer.
'Isn't that awfully steep?' asked the man. 'Yes,' the lawyer
replied, ' .....and what is your third question?'

Q: Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
A: He gets taller.

Ol Gar
From:gary wilsey (gwilsey)
Sent:Sun 8/17/08 2:53 PM

[inge]

Lawyer jokes!

We can really do with some humor, but my experiences the last two years have made me lose all respect for accountants and tax authorities, while I'm actually depending on a lawyer to get the decisions of the local IRS reversed. :)

Of course, there is a great chance that also lawyers are more interested in their own prestige and winning their case, than truth and justice. But then lawyers are just like doctors or priests: They are only human.

I would very much see a collection of jokes about people who can only see what they want to see, and refuse to take facts and numbers into their consideration.

[dehawkinz]

Inge,

you wanted accountant jokes, you got accountant jokes :D


Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget so he had to work it out with a pencil and paper.

A fellow walks into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds.
He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something? "
"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."


Q: Why are they putting the accountants at the bottom of the ocean?
A: They found out that deep down they're really not so bad.


Sitting in a compartment on a train were the tooth fairy, an expensive accountant and a cheap accountant. On a table between
them was placed a briefcase full of money.

Suddenly the train entered a tunnel and everything went dark. When the train exited the tunnel and the light returned, the
briefcase was gone. Who took the briefcase?...

Well, it's obvious really. It had to be the expensive accountant as there's no such thing as the tooth fairy or a cheap
accountant!



The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.
"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."
The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"
"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant."
"I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."



A lost balloonist lands in a random field and asks a man out walking his dog "Where am I?"
The man replies "you are three feet in front of me in the middle of a field"
"You must be an accountant!" retorts the balloonist
"How did you know that?" the man asks incredulously
"Easy. What you just told me is 100% accurate but absolutely useless!"


Q: Who was the world's first accountant?
A: Adam. He turned a leaf and made an entry!


Q: What is the difference between a tragedy and a catastrophe?
A: A tragedy is a shipful of accountants going down in a storm.... A catastrophe is when they can all swim!


Q: What do you call 500 accountants at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.


Q: How do you save a drowning accountant?
A: Take your foot off their head.


Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.



What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don't understand.

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
How much money do you have?

What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.

What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he is talking to you instead of his own.

What is an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold a road map the wrong way.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.

If an accountant's wife cannot sleep what does she say?
"Darling, tell me about your work."

When the accountant laughs loud?
When some one asks for a raise.


A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."


An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

[inge]

you wanted accountant jokes, you got accountant jokes :D


Loved them! :)

[vprinn1955]

I am trying to break my habit of putting others down because of bad spelling . I had always been a good speller,but not good grammar. My keyboard has been acting up. Am on SSI so will have to wait about 2 weeks before getting another one. Plus no dictionary here. Spell checkers do not always work like some said. I know some of you probably used what I called pig latin as a child. That brought back some memories.

[msbeejay]

End Wrap Boxes-Good Info


I couldn't believe this so I got right up from the computer and went to the kitchen to check.
Sure enough my store brand has the tabs on the side but don't tell you what they are for.
Needless to say I have pushed them in now. OK all of you look at your boxes.



Duhhhh...........I'm guilty


I've been using aluminum foil for more years than I care to remember.
Great stuff, but sometimes it can be a pain. You know, like when you
are in the middle of doing something and you try to pull some foil out
and the roll comes out of the box. Then you have to put the roll back in
the box and start over. The darn roll always comes out at the wrong time.

Well, I would like to share this with you. Yesterday I went to throw out an
empty Reynolds foil box and for some reason I turned it and looked at the
end of the box. And written on the end it said, 'Press here to lock end'.
Right there on the end of the box is a tab to lock the roll in place.


How long has this little locking tab been there? I then looked at a generic
brand of aluminum foil and it had one, too. I then looked at a box of Saran
wrap and it had one too! I can't count the number of times the Saran wrap
roll has jumped out when I was trying to cover something up.

I'm sharing this with my friends that did not know this.
I hope I'm not the only person that didn't know about it.


--
Bonnie
Owner:
Global Hits. Org
Stormspotter.Org
Pre Paid Legal Associate

[msbeejay]

Could not resist sharing it with the forum community...Enjoy!


Ol Gar




LIFE IN EL PASO, TEXAS

A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that
because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000
in the statewide safety competition.

'What are you going to do with the money?' asked the policeman.
'Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license,' he answered.
'Oh, don't listen to him,' yelled a woman in the passenger seat.
'He's a smart aleck when he's drunk.'

This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop
and moaned, 'I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car.'

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said,
in Spanish, 'Are we over the border yet?'

[msbeejay]

Ya gotta love it

Ol Gar





The Old Rancher

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, intown.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked
Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Which leads to the moral of the story:

Don't ever underestimate us old Guys.

[msbeejay]

This is for all you amazing Women in the forum community


By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime.

An angel appeared and said, 'Why are you spending so much time on this one?'

And the Lord answered, 'Have you seen my spec sheet on her?

She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything with only two hands.'

The angel was astounded at the requirements. 'Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish.'

But I won't,' the Lord protested. 'I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.

She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days.'

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. 'But you have made her so soft, Lord.'

'She is soft,' the Lord agreed,'but I have also made her tough.

You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.'

'Will she be able to think,?' asked the angel. The Lord replied,'Not only will she be able to think,she will be able to reason and negotiate.'

The angel then noticed something,and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. 'Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.'
'That's not a leak,'the Lord corrected,'that's a tear!'

'What's the tear for?' the angel asked. The Lord said, 'The tear is her way of expressing her joy,her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,her loneliness, her grief and her pride.'

The angel was impressed. 'You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything!

Woman is truly amazing.' And she is!

Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are angry or happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take 'no' for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH..

PLEASE pass this along to all your women friends and relatives to remind them just how amazing they are.

[msbeejay]

Anyone who has ever worked in a High noise environment can relate to this!

Ol Gar





DEAF WIFE

Good chuckle for the evening.

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to
and he thought she might need a hearing aid.


Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the
family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple formal test the
husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea
about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her,
and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.


If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey , what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet
from his wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet
from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


(I just love this)

'Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

[parthena]

http://www.nvo.com/bjmenterprises/pages/images/trans_pix.gif
http://www.nvo.com/bjmenterprises/pages/images/trans_pix.gif


Do you know which word is the most misspelled on the Net? R E C I E V E! The correct spelling is R E C E I V E.When I went to school, we were taught this simple rule about "I" before "E" except after "C" "neighbor" or "eight."Perhaps schools or teachers today don't think it's necessary to teach simple spelling rules anymore because of computer technology...hmmm, too bad.Anyway we all know that most programs used by everybody with a computer has spell check capabilities AND of course, there's always the trusty dictionary!That concludes "A Lesson in Spelling!" ~~~~~~

QUOTE:

"In ancient shadows and twilights where childhood had strayed, the world's great sorrows were born and its heroes were made." -- George William Russell

I think that "wierd" is a close second. I still don't know what the correct spelling is!:confused:

[parthena]

I am trying to break my habit of putting others down because of bad spelling . I had always been a good speller,but not good grammar. My keyboard has been acting up. Am on SSI so will have to wait about 2 weeks before getting another one. Plus no dictionary here. Spell checkers do not always work like some said. I know some of you probably used what I called pig latin as a child. That brought back some memories.

Same with me, I used to win spelling bees in school and I'm a writer. It really irks me to see college educated people who can't spell......and in my field, I seriously know Ph.D's who can barely spell their own names.

Bad Spellers Of The World - Untie! :D

[msbeejay]

I think that "wierd" is a close second. I still don't know what the correct spelling is!:confused:


The correct spelling is "W E I R D" ... At least according to the dictionary

They are quite handy to have around even if you use spell checker :rolleyes:

God Bless and Keep on surfing everyday to 100 page views plus!

[parthena]

The correct spelling is "W E I R D" ... At least according to the dictionary

They are quite handy to have around even if you use spell checker :rolleyes:

God Bless and Keep on surfing everyday to 100 page views plus!

and either way, it looks "weird" LOL

Thanks, and be blessed.

[msbeejay]

The Veterinarian


One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
the Pastor of a small church


Found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week!


The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected
and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on
the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
Curiosity, approached her.


'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000
a week in the collection plate,' he stated.


'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money
and I give some of it to the church'


The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot,
are you sure you can afford this? How much does he
send you?'


The elderly woman answer ed, '$10,000 a week.'


The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful;
what does he do for a living?'


'He is a veterinarian,' she answered.


'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made
that much money,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?'


The woman answered proudly, 'In Nevada .


He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno .'


Ol Gar

[msbeejay]

Those of you who have/had animals will probably appreciate this more.
It is a story that is hilarious in itself & the person that wrote it is a good writer & made the story even better.

Jasper & the Unbaked Yeast Rolls
We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you, who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10-yr-old child about whom you know nothing & committing to doing your best to be a good parent.

Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me.

Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that Perry & I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I digress...

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 yrs overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, & a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time.

I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the 2 Thanksgiving feasts we did attend. I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets & set them in the living room to rise hours.

Perry & I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. The rolls were ready to go in the oven. It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock 1 whole pan of 12 rolls was empty.

I called out to Jasper & my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury doughboy & the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone & called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hrs for the rest of the night.

God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white & pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.

We arose at 7:30 & as we always do 1st thing; put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his 1st leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt, & most of the time when he was walking his front half was going 1 direction & the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.

He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk & pee at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our backyard, he couldn't stop himself & nearly ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated & he was as dizzy as a loon.

I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (2nd call within 12 hrs) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly & that he was indeed drunk. He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hrs & to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry & I loaded him up & took him with us to my sister's house for the 1st Thanksgiving meal of the day. My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 min drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) & drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and me, we took off.

Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it.

Now he was beginning to let off gas & it smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did. Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our 1st Thanksgiving meal of the day.

The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long & everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something.

Of course, as the old adage goes, 'what goes in, must come out' & Jasper was no exception. Granted, if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine.

I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house. Having discovered his 'packages' on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.

This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor & the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up & cure. We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands & knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor.

And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop & left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed, too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home & dropped him off before we left for our 2nd Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house. I am happy to report that as of today (Mon) the dog is back to normal both in size & temperament. He has had a bath & is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear ... I presume.

I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to: 'How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.' And how was your day?

[msbeejay]

A great message!

Don't let your day go on without reading this first, no matter How busy you may be!


The Pink Dress

There was this little girl sitting by herself in the park.

Everyone passed by her and never stopped to see why she looked so sad.

Dressed in a worn pink dress, barefoot and dirty, the girl just sat and watched the people go by.

She never tried to speak.

She never said a word.

Many people passed by her, but no one would stop..

The next day I decided to go back to the park in curiosity to see If the little girl would still be there.

Yes, she was there, right in the very spot where she was yesterday, and still with the same sad look in her eyes.

Today I was to make my own move and walk over to the little girl.

For as we all know, a park full of strange people is not a place for young children to play alone.

As I got closer I could see the back of the little girl's dress.

It was grotesquely shaped.

I figured that was the reason people just passed by and made no effort to speak to her.

Deformities are a low blow to our society and, heaven forbid if you make a step toward assisting someone who is different.

As I got closer, the little girl lowered her eyes slightly to avoid my intent stare.

As I approached her, I could see the shape of her back more clearly.

She was grotesquely shaped in a humped over form.

I smiled to let her know it was OK; I was there to help, to talk.

I sat down beside her and opened with a simple, 'Hello.'

The little girl acted shocked, and stammered a 'Hi'; after a long Stare into my eyes.

I smiled and she shyly smiled back

We talked until darkness fell and the park was completely empty.

I asked the girl why she was so sad.

The little girl looked at me with a sad face said, 'Because, I'm Different.'

I imm ediately said, 'That you are!'; and smiled.

The little girl acted even sadder and said, 'I know.'

'Little girl,' I said, 'you remind me of an angel, sweet and innocent.'

She looked at me and smiled, then slowly she got to her feet and Said,'Really?'

'Yes, you're like a little Guardian Angel sent to watch over all the people walking by..'

She nodded her head yes , and smiled

With that she opened the back of her pink dress and allowed her Wings to spread, then she said 'I am.'

'I'm your Guardian Angel,' with a twinkle in her eye.

I was speechless -- sure I was seeing things.

She said, 'For once you thought of someone other than yourself.
My job here is done'..

I got to my feet and said, 'Wait, why did no one stop to help an Angel?'

She looked at me, smiled, and said, 'You're the only one that could see me,' and then she was gone.

And with that, my life was changed dramatically.

So, when you think you're all you have, remember, your angel is Always watching over you

Pass this to everyone that means anything at all to you.

Make sure you send it back to the person who sent it to you, to let them know you're glad they care about you.

Like the story says, we all need someone...

And, every one of your friends is an Angel in their own way.

The value of a friend is measured in the heart.

I hope your Guardian Angel watches over you always.

[msbeejay]

WORDS OF WISDOM



Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' -- Lillian Carter
(mother of Jimmy Carter)


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' -- Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain


By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury -- Groucho Marx


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine


I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields


We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers


Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you -- Winston Churchill


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal


The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.


Give me a sense of humor, Lord; Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk. Amen.

[msbeejay]

If so, then you will thoroughly enjoy these informative articles by CameraWorld

http://www.cameraworld.com/static/articles/tips/photograph-dogs.html (http://www.cameraworld.com/static/articles/tips/photograph-dogs.html)

http://www.cameraworld.com/static/articles/tips/sunset-photography.html (http://www.cameraworld.com/static/articles/tips/sunset-photography.html)

http://www.cameraworld.com/static/articles/tips/fall-photography.html (http://www.cameraworld.com/static/articles/tips/fall-photography.html)

[msbeejay]

Joan and I are cleaning out both refrigrators tommorrow. I am sure there is stuff in there that made the trip on the Mayflower!

Ol Gar
__________________________________________________ __________________


Food for Thought - Old Condiment Syndrome


Did you know the refrigerated shelf life for mayonnaise is two months? It is! So guess what? Today is the day you get to toss that stuff and get a new one.

Listen, if you don't use it often enough, buy a smaller jar. Even though it costs more money, it really is the cheaper way to go. You don't need nasty old mayo in your fridge!

Here are some more items you probably have languishing in the doors of your fridge or way in the back:

1—Mustard. Not just the yellow kind, but Dijon, honey mustard, brown mustard and that teeny, tiny jar of gourmet mustard from the gift basket you received over the holidays with the funky taste.

No one likes it, but instead of throwing it out, you put it in the fridge. Why? Toss it! Shelf life: 6-8 months in the fridge; 2 years unopened in a pantry.

2—Jams and Jellies. Yesterday, I pulled out a raspberry jam that had a 'best used by' date of 4/5/05. YIKES! I bet you have some of those too! Time to chuck them as well! Shelf life: 1 year in the fridge; 1 year unopened in the pantry.

3—Salad Dressings. A lot of commercial salad dressings have enough preservatives in them to embalm you. However, nothing lasts forever. If they've been opened for more than 3 months in the fridge, they've gotta go too. Unopened, they'll last a year in your pantry.

4—Pickles. I think I've had the same jar of pickles in my fridge since I've had the raspberry jam. The issue for pickles is they don't last as long as jam in the fridge! Only 1-2 months opened and in the fridge. For the pantry shelf? One year unopened. Time to boogie your pickles!

5—Ketchup. I don't even want to know how old my ketchup is. Let's just say probably from the same era as the pickles and the raspberry jam. Truth is, it's only good for about 2 months in the fridge. Unopened and on the pantry shelf, it can last a year before it needs tossing.

6—Salsa and Hot Sauce. Guess what? Once your hot sauce or salsa is opened, it's good for just a month in the fridge! Don't wait for it to mold; throw it OUT! Unopened, it's good for a year on your pantry shelf.

7—Olives. Oh yes, I confess. My olives are refrigerator pals with the jam, ketchup and pickles! Out they go today…they only last a month opened in the fridge. They'll last a year unopened in your pantry though!


Well, that's quite a condemning list, isn't it? The question is how to know how old everything is? One rule of thumb if there is no date on the jar or package and if you don't remember when you opened it, it's probably a good idea to toss it.

How can you avoid Old Condiment Syndrome? By marking your condiments on the label with a Sharpie (it will hold up to the refrigeration without smudging or smearing) with the date so you know. You might want to keep this list handy too in your Control Journal so you know how long to keep these items.

[abrockie]

When I was a batchelor, I had a drawer full of condiments from McDonalds, Wendys, Taco Bell etc. Saved me a lot of money on buying large containers of such stuff.

Getting ready to batch it again...........probably splurge on Miracle Whip though :)

Thanks for the list Msbeejay.

Adam

[sflewis]

I travel a whole lot. Last time I was home I decided to clean out my pantry cabinent. I found a couple of cans of soda that were completely empty, sealed, but empty. The dates on the bottom of those cans were 1994 and 1996.

[msbeejay]

And I could not wait to share it with the Forum Community!



BANANAS are good...

This is very informative...After Reading this, you will NEVER look at a banana in the same way again!

Bananas Contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber, a banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout.

No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes. But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression:
According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel better.

PMS:
Forget the pills -- eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anemia:
High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure:
This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it the perfect way to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana ind ustry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power:
200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex England ) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation:
High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers:
One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system..

Heartburn:
Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness:
Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness

Mosquito bites:
Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves:
Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work?
Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers:
The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature control:
Many other cultures see bananas as a 'cooling' fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD):
Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.